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Machete Kills: Anatomy of Vengeance


With one menacing glance,
Machete drives fear into the
hearts of his enemies.
Fun Fact: Machete has never lost
a staring competition.
Machete is bilingual,
but he usually lets his
machete do the talking.
Machete’s left hand is
responsible for 242 deaths.
Fun Fact: Machete is right handed.
If you don’t fear Machete, it’s because he’s already killed you.
95% of Machete’s brain is consumed
with vengeance, the other 5% is none
of your f%$&ing business.
Number of Women Slept With:
A gentleman never tells.
And Machete is a gentleman.
Total Decapitations: 671
Machete has the strength of
two full-grown men and
one medium-sized boy.
If you laid out the intestines
of every person Machete has
gutted, they would wrap
around the Earth 3 times.
Machete don’t take
the murder of his loved
ones sitting down.
Average time for Enemies to die: 0:11:32
Machete’s right hand is
responsible for 3,403 deaths.
Fun Fact: Machete uses his
blade to butter toast.
Machete’s machete...
is longer than yours
Max Kills in Single Swing of Blade: 9
Machete’s arms are long
enough to embrace three
beautiful chicas at once.
Weapons efficiency
Machete: 122%
Guns: 113%
Hands: 109%
Explosives: 103.5%
Machete sleeps on his
back, with both eyes open
and machete in hand.
The amount of blood Machete
has spilled could fill 10
olympic-sized swimming pools.
Machete can run from explosions, leap
across burning rooftops, and walk across
hot coals without breaking a sweat.
Machete’s feet are strong
enough to kick anyone’s
ass. Especially yours.